erm okay
i have been thinking about a lot of things lately
yepp
how should i start it
lets see
i will tryyyy to write in the most proper english ever
one thing because this post is supposed to be chim
and another thing because tmr is compo exam, english included of course-.-
okayy well
lets get started then :D

hmm
i havent been eating well lately (people who accompany me for recess should know. i have been super hungry but cant really eat. yepp)
i havent been sleeping well lately as well, cause of too many things happening. not much to do with the class or anything. just something to do with myself.
and because of the above, i havent been shitting well :/

and as i said
i have been doing a lot of thinking
like what is the main aim of my life now
i find myself like pathetic enough
yah.
not like i dont work hard or something
i find myself verryyyy hardworking
yeah whatever self praise is no praise
this is not self praise
its a FACT xD
ok no luh
its just self REFLECTION
yes
i dont know
but i am always trying to learn new things
working very very hard to learn
and then i realise there is nothing i am actually good at
not saying i am like horrible at everything
actually i am-.-
i am like average, or below average, or below below average at everything i do
havent really found my life goal
i find myself like hopeless
like everything's ruined
this is not an emo post just to make sure
yepp
i said already
its self REFLECTION

i had a lot of alone time these few days
i was trying my best to go home as early as possible
and hoping my mother would be working and even if she was at home, i just wanted to be alone and not have anyone to bug me for once
and sit down
and think

apparently didnt have a lot of alone time-.-
so yeah i appreciateall the time i have now
and actually it was kinda enough thinking time
yeah.
like when i have insomnia the time while i cant sleep
i wont be whining like
oh i cant sleep
like wow
no
i would be sitting on my bed
and thinking
and thinking
and i dont know
the more i think
is there any use?
actually there was a lot of things i was thinking about
yeah
and actually the more i think
the more depressed i get
and i dunno
depression leads to constipation?
lols
or does constipation lead to depression?
something for you to ponder about
just like the question
of whether the chicken comes first or the egg :/
i personally think
the chicken comes first
cause in the alphabet
c comes first
not e
yepps
so does this mean that constipation leads to depression?
zzz
stupid topic
ahh wells
anyways
i had a lot of thinking time like i said

through the time spent on the toiletbowl, on the bed while having insomnia and while lagging halfway through meals
i REALLY thought about a lot a lot of things

theres a lot of things bugging me these few days
like bugs
bug bug bug
sooo irritating
yeah sure
MYE coming
sure get stressed what
yeah kinda agree
but thats not the main reason i've been doing all these reflection these few days
my results are already horrible as it is
no need to worry so much
no use stressing myself just because of my results actually

i dont know
maybe its just me
thinking to the future?
or what?
weird
the ever stupid zixing you all know in school suddenly turns psycho at home
thinking and thinking and thinking
and not knowing what you are thinking about at all o.o
i'm not sure whats all this reflection about
but i just lag a lot these few days
yes
and some people know
i have been talking halfway
and forgetting the next half of the sentence i wanted to say
am i like
getting more and more retard by the second or something?
geeshhh
sure
one day you will see zixing in the mental hospital
getting more and more retarded
and the percentage of non-retard cells or molecules or whatever shit thing in my brain
will decrease
eventually
one of you wonderful friends would be there to witness the percent of non-retard cells or molecules or whatever shit thing in my brain turn from 0.0000000001% to 0%
and i will be 100% retard FOREVER

what am i talking about?
like SEE?
i'm getting retarded-er and retarded-er by the minute

yeah and another thing i was thinking of
like how pathetic my life is now
like nothing much left in life
sounds like i suffer from 3rd stage of depression
but I'M NOT EMOING
yes
and despite how pathetic your life is now already
you will be thinking like you still have your friends
and this wonderful friend
whom i always thought as my true friend
ends up stealing every single pathetic thing you have left of your life away
leaving you with nothing left
like zip zero nada
goose eggs?
chicken eggs?
ahhh whatever
sure now i am very sure
whoever reading this post will be thinking now
who is zixing talking about?
is she talking about me?
whatever
i am not going to entertain people who ask like
who you talking about in that post
if you ask me is it me?
is it this is it that
whatever
i wont answer you
i will show the true character of a cat
oh purrrrrrrr (:
mew mew :D
i'm saying whatever for the millionth time
like WHATEVER~~~~
and then
i would start reflecting again
why would all these happen?
was i a not good enough friend?
was that person just being your friend because he/she was after something?
was that person even your true friend?
lets not talk about true friend
lets just talk about
whether that person is even counted as your friend?

then you would think
all you have done to who you found your true friend
your soul mate
you sacrificed so much for that "friend"
and in the end
that person just stabs you in the back
then smiles to you
and says "oh who did that? ouch it must hurt"
and skips happily away

i have been wondering
for the past (how old am i this year? OH MY GAWD)
dunno dunno how many years of my life
which of the things i have done were actually significant?
which would actually be of use to me?
or am i just a useless freak?
I'M NOT EMOING!!! zzz

yepp
so many questions to answer
so little time
actually these few days
(or weeks)
through the time spent in bed and on the toilet bowl and while lagging halfway through meals and even NOW
i decided to start everything AFRESH
sounds so un-zixing
but thats the whole point-.-
everything is going to change
and all the insignificant things
its going to be like BYE have a nice day
sayonara
you will no longer see me writing these sort of post anymore
i'll still be the same old zixing
just that i will be a slightly different zixing
might as well change my name
to wantong -.-
like what i told a few of you
wantong was the second choice of what my name could have been
just that it sounds/looks abit like wanton-.-
yeah
but i will not be the same innocent little girl
so gullible x(
or whatever
and i'm giving up a few things that i just lost
because through all the alone time
i realised that all these things being snatched away by my true friend
is no longer significant to me anymore
so yeah
i am sure
of what i want now
and what i will no longer give a damn about
yepps
thats it
so yeah
say goodbye to the current zixing now
and hello to wanton? like wow-.-